Guest Blogger Vol. 1 - Monogamy

In the 1st Vol. of my Guest Blogger Series, I invited my colleague APSD a.k.a Horseman to do the honours. Now, a bit about this multi-hyphenated dark knight in multi-coloured socks. He is NOT a Bangladeshi, a fact he reiterated countless times and till this day, I still cannot differentiate an I from a B other than the spelling. He is the livewire in the office, so much so that he had to be isolated to prevent our productivity from dipping, especially in my department. Don't be mistaken, he can move mountains if he puts his mind to it, but I suspect he is a secret fan of Masters & Slaves (not the cardboard game) as he needs to be whipped to get into action.

On Monogamy:
In his opening monologue in Annie Hall, Woody Allen quoted Groucho Marx when he said that he'd never be a part of a club that would have him as a member….my feelings on love and relationships is similar. I can never love someone who would want me as her boyfriend. I mean clearly this bright spark has awful taste in men if she chooses me as her heavenly consort for a period of time.

So it is after years that I'm at a loss for words when asked to delve on the science of monogamy. So ignorant am I on this subject that for the longest time I thought the word was used to describe a certain race of pygmies in the jungles of Ecuador. In layman's terms it means one punani per person. Now this theory has always been lost on me. How do you stick to a person when you've already lost all interest in her because she says she loves you? The committed folks will be issuing ‘fatwas’ as they read this but I'll have you know that I come from a gene pool of polygamists. If it wasn't for my father we would have carried on a proud tradition of many lives with many wives. Take my grandfather for example. Our main wingman had a harem…yes a harem just before the dawn of independence. When, I go back to the village and am given a tour of our estate I come across this solid brick house (soundproofed no doubt) where, he'd go for a game of billiards with his many women. So disgusted was my father by this series of unfortunate events that he's been happily married to the same woman for 29 years and has never looked at anyone else. So disgusted am I with my father that I look at everyone else (You know what they say…the genes always skip a generation) so disgusted is my brother with me that he's stuck to the same woman for five years and intends to marry her sometime in the near future.

I don't need to look far to prove to you that monogamy is a doomed profession. Look at the animal kingdom. Check out that praying mantis dude. All his life he stands in front of his beloved Mrs. Mantis and prays in front of her 'Sleep with me and I'll be yours forever' after years of cajoling she sleeps with him and what does she do? She rips his fucking head off. Likewise with the black widow….first she weaves a web of deceit and then plunges her deadly poison into the monogamist's heart killing him after they have sex. They say that a man is most vulnerable after an orgasm and if you ask him anything at that point he’ll tell only the truth and bare his soul. It’s lousy isn’t it that at that exact point of time he’s killed.

Tell me. Where is the justice in this?

But polygamy is not a bed of roses as well. I’ll give you a woman’s perspective in a short note I’d like to title "A polygamist’s worst nightmare’:

In ancient Hindu mythology there was a woman called Draupadi and she had five husbands. Yes five men to put up with. If there was a Nobel prize for patience back then they should have just given it to her. She makes time for all of them and also produces very many babies from all five. And then what happens? Some villain dudes from the other camp sneaks into their sleeping quarters and proceeds to chop up all her kids. I mean what the fuck! Didn’t the villain dudes know how tough it was to bring these kids up? Tragic really.

The best solution I feel is to follow a path of Individualism. No Monogamy, no Polygamy. Just love to live with who you are.

Afterthoughts:
I somehow thought that APSD would be a monogamist (how naive!) by the way he talks about his ex-girlfriend. Now I think he is a serial monogamist: he preaches monogamy to one female at a time, concurrently.

For more APSD rantings, you can visit Midnight in a Perfect World.